Reflections on my life path

This weekend, with the New Moon doing it's thing and all, I've been reflecting more deeply than ever on my calling, what I'm supposed to do, and the kind of life I want to build. I've been involved in some wonderful spaces and some not so great ones. After reflecting on my interactions with various groups over the years, I realized something I've always known about myself. I feel destined to be a different kind of leader and to create my own space, a haven for others going through transitions to heal and then pursue their own missions and purposes.

I grew up reading a book called Eragon, a fantasy series about a boy who discovers a dragon egg and eventually trains with Elves to defeat the main antagonist. In the story, there's a side character named Angela the Herbalist, who isn't aligned with any specific group or side. Instead, she follows her own path, siding with truth and justice rather than any particular faction. She assists where needed and uses her abilities when necessary. Angela is a grounded character, unassuming, quirky, and she appears at the most unexpected times. I always felt a strong connection to this character, and the fact that we share a name seemed like a funny coincidence to me. Reflecting on my life, I aspire to be helpful in the world, much like her, which aligns closely with my vision for myself. If I had the space and land, I think would enjoy selling herbs and tinctures and perhaps showing up in unexpected locations, doing random things, and leaving people mostly confused but helped.

I've always felt out of place, even in environments that shared similar values or characteristics that attracted me. For years, I've been searching for that one place where I truly belong, or a group that feels just right, or perhaps a spot that seems to have everything together. But now, at 35, I still haven't found it, and whenever I think I might have, something significant occurs that makes me leave and end up right back where I started before joining that group.

I think I've always known. I've always known I'm meant to be outside of any specific group, political agendas, or labels. I think it's part of who I am and how I'm meant to help that I'm meant to be an outlier for a purpose. It gives me valuable perspective to help other groups of people because I can see truths they might often miss. Maybe I can help create a safe place for others to heal, to grow, to decondition themselves from society's rules. I stand for the people. I stand for the Earth. I care about all cultures, the indigenous, the women, the children, all beings. No matter where they're from, they matter to me. While I want to use my voice and advocate for people, I really feel called to just simply befriend whoever I can. To listen. To be present. To hear their stories and lift them up.

I was walking with my husband after dinner in a local park we frequent, and we were dreaming up our ideal life. Somewhere private and quiet with friendly and respectful neighbors who also want to stop using pesticides and protect land too. We envisioned our little houses next to each other, a catio/pavilion connecting each of our tiny houses. A small farm in the back with an orchard, blueberries, lots of different fruits and veggies, the chicken coop on the side, a greenhouse over there. Oh yes, and a hammock. We dreamed up an open area with lots of wildflowers for pollinators, then the backwoods with lots and lots of land to explore. Maybe a pond or a creek that runs through. Just continuing to plant and grow all sorts of things and restore the soil and earth and give it our love. To meditate and listen to what the land needs or wants. An organic fence we weaved together with young willows that surrounded the property and outside of that a garden that's meant for nature. A chaos garden where we toss whatever seeds or leftovers and let it grow however it wants to. We dreamed of having a next-door campsite/park that we run. Maybe some yurts or cabins, tent sites, an open area with a pavilion for workshops and activities. Of course, we dream of having a cat shelter/community center with a community garden. A place where people can come volunteer to help take care of the cats, walk through the sensory garden, or sit in the cafe and mini library. I dreamed of walking out back and getting maple syrup and selling it in our mini stand by the road. Just a simple life. Eventually, I'd like to be able to pass the land on to someone who will continue to love and care for the land as much as I did. Keep the land in the people's hands and away from greedy and destructive corporations.

I dream of being able to provide a safe haven for people to just be. To just heal and hang out in nature. They can join in activities or help around if they feel like it. Their help comes from a natural place because they want to help, not because of conditioning, pressure, or whether they feel worthy or not. I feel I am meant to provide a place for people going through transitions so they have time and peace to think and just be. When they're ready, they can move on.

I realized after reflecting this weekend maybe I'm not looking to join another place, maybe I'm meant to create it for others. To be honest, it's exactly the kind of thing I really need right now. A piece of land I steward. Not answering to anyone or having to create a "thing", a brand, or some kind of big business. Just a place for me to be myself and help others on their journeys. To offer advice, wisdom, and kindness or challenging as needed.

I don't know where or how to create this place but it's in my heart staying there for maybe if ever my dream were to become reality.

I dream of having a mentor come along and teach me more about energy healing, permaculture, just general life advice, or just to be a good role model. Not through transaction or payment but through a relationship. Someone who can respect my autonomy and recognizes how much work I've already done to get myself to where I am. Someone who understands we are all in this together and mutual aid and collaboration aren't just a nice thing to do but necessary for human survival. Someone who actually does know more than me but is excited to build alongside me.

I dream of practicing kundalini yoga or some kind of healing practice that I get trained in enough for it to really transform my life. Something that helps me get healthy and strong and I can share and teach to others.

Maybe I would partner with someone or build this dream place with someone, but it would have to be someone like me. Someone who is also an outlier. Someone who doesn't need to explain everything, but they know what their intuition is telling them. Someone who likes deep conversation but equally enjoys being goofy and keeping things simple. Someone who wants to live life slowly, stop and enjoy things, not pushing or hustling, but through intention and structure with room for flexibility. I'm not looking to join a cult, create one, or to be part of some hippie commune or religious space. I don't need titles or labels. I just want to be human, keep things simple, be open to magic, but be grounded and reliable and happy.

I don't know how any of this would happen or if it could. Maybe there's a long-lost relative that comes along and says, "Hey Angela, here's a bunch of money, go live your dream life," or maybe someone is retiring and wants their land to be passed down into some good hands. Or maybe I find a way to make money or a creative way of getting this land to start building and growing. Maybe my consulting and life coaching business really takes off. Maybe someone donates to our gofundme to we can learn about seller financing and help others get into affordable housing and make money from that. Possibilities.

This past month I have been crying every day. I've never felt more existentially depressed in my life despite all the healing I've done or all the tools I learned to cope and to keep me going. I have so many dreams and hopes, and they feel further away than ever no matter how hard I've worked to try to get closer. I dream of reciprocity circles returning and watching them form on every street and neighborhood where people collaborate, where money isn't a limit or restriction, where people freely help and are able to do so in a healthy and meaningful way. Where they stop talking about it already and just do it. I wonder if I am of any help at all to anyone or if I'm even doing the right thing. I guess I wouldn't be here doing what I do if I wasn't supposed to be, but still... I don't feel I'm living in the right place or the right life.

My spirit guides brought an encouraging song to me recently that's become my mantra this month and keeping me going. It's the song called Journey to the Past from the animated movie Anastasia and goes like this:

Heart, don't fail me now

Courage, don't desert me

Don't turn back now that we're here

People always say

Life is full of choices

No one ever mentions fear

Or how the world can seem so vast

On a journey to the past

Somewhere down this road

I know someone's waiting

Years of dreams just can't be wrong

Arms will open wide

I'll be safe and wanted

Finally home where I belong

Well, starting now I'm learning fast

On this journey to the past

Home, love, family

There was once a time

I must have had them too

Home, love, family

I will never be complete

Until I find you

One step at a time

One hope then another

Who knows where this road may go

Back to who I was

On to find my future

Things my heart still needs to know

Yes, let this be a sign

Let this road be mine

Let it lead me to my past

And bring me home

At last

I have a handwritten copy of this on my desk that I read every morning when I wake up. The idea that perhaps I'm being guided to a place where I feel safe, welcomed, loved, and comforted. Maybe it's a place that feels like home, with a family that truly cares about me. Perhaps I'll meet the right person at the right time who shares the same dream. I don't know for sure, but I hope it happens soon. I'm struggling to continue making the most out of small apartment living, feeling like my life is stagnant and I'm not contributing anything meaningful and watching my bank account slowly drain with no confirmed source of income.

I'm here, I have so much to offer, my heart is open...

Please find me dreams, I'm excited to finally life my life fully and experience real joy and friendships. Please don't make me wait anymore I'm getting old, tired, and losing hope and my body is hurting from being sad all the time. Please show me how good life can be and how good people can be. <3

With much love,

-Angela Becker